A Reflection on the last couple of months...

Some of you may not have known, but for the past couple of months or so, I had embarked on a relationship which by last Thursday was completely and utterly over. At the moment, as I write this, we are going through the stage of having space away from each other. Something, I know, as a person I desperately need, to reflect and to heal and to have down time and chill.

I am trying hard to muster the energy to explain the situation and the events that lead to the demise of the short time we spent together, but it is difficult to know where to start....

During the last couple of months it has been mostly an emotional hell...don't get me wrong...Some of it was lovely, and we did have great times together, just chilling and hanging out, getting to know each other and enjoying each others' company. But, it was only the second week before cracks started to appear...aside from feeling like things were going at the speed of light, I was accused of giving him something infectious (not once but twice!!!), cheating and not understanding his problems everytime we spoke. Now, for the record, I dont have anything infectious, neither have I ever cheated on ANYONE in my life and would never cheat. But, the issue I have a problem with is his problem...Not in the sense that he accuses me of not understanding, but differently.

Let me explain...Once upon a time, I used to feel the same as he does...Only, I fear his problem is a hundred times worse. When we first met, he told me he had issues with people in general, that he didn't have friends and that mainly he spent time by himself. I never really thought much about it, I admit, I thought maybe he was just very shy and was shy about going out with people. He told me that his ex-girlfriend lied to him two years ago and his best-mate took her side during the fall-out and he hasn't been able to trust since.

I tried to help him....I really did...I tried to intergrate him in with my friends who I knew were lovely people, but even then that wasn't enough...soon came the endless questioning about if they liked him or not and the analysing of every minute of the time he spent in their company. Arguments over and over again about the same things every night, the more I tried to reassure him and help him see the bigger picture and not just what he thought was happening or him just hearing what he wanted to hear, I think it was making it worse.
Plus I was starting to feel backed up into a corner...We actually split a few weeks ago, but things were becoming hazy, we were talking all the time and still hanging out, he was starting to make me make promises that I wasn't feeling comfortable with, but not just once, but nearly everyday - the same thing all the time, it was too much to handle sometimes. I would try to explain I couldn't make those promises to him because we weren't together anymore, that I could give him the alternative where neither of us would get hurt, but he would take it the wrong way. Everytime we'd argue, I would forgive him because I understood that he wasn't used to the things that were happening and I would try and teach him how to deal with it. But, it got to the stage where I thought even forgiving his actions at the moment when he was angry was wrong...He wasn't realising that he was hurting me alot aswell.

It wasn't the problems that rose to the surface that hurt, but also the under-lying problems that would manifest itself during conversation...It soon began to feel like I had to tip-toe on eggshells around him with whatever I said to him. Little things....He would complain that I wasn't opening up enough to him, so when I did, sharing stories of good times with friends etc, he would go quiet and confess that he was jealous of the past I have compared to the past he has...I never knew what to do. He would see the pictures round the house that I have of the eras that have come and gone, of people who meant so much to me and go quiet and ignore me as if I had done something wrong....How could I cope with that. Someone who said they loved me for who I was, was stopping me share that with them and making me feel like a horrid and terrible person for it... How does that work?

I did try so hard to help, to be there, to encourage and to make him realise that not all people are nasty, that there are lovely people out there, and that the way people deal with things when they are young is never the way people deal with things when they are older....wiser...and maturer.
But, regardless of that, it was never enough....
I had suggested counselling and he's doing it...well, started the process to be counselled, so I'm hoping he will be ok.

A reflection on myself of the last couple of months?.....
I dont know, having not had a relationship for about 4years, this really was a ball-breaker...enough to put you off for life!!! And you know what? I think singledom is absolutely fantastic...for me!!! Yes, I like the fact there was that other person in my life for a while, but.....I think regardless of the issues that arose, I don't think he was the one...obviously not the one THE ONE, but you know. But, it was definitely nice to have that feeling again. No doubt, at some point I feel it again, but til then....it's just a load of down-time for me....

And I'm just peachy with that....